I've bought into a myth all of my life. I've not only bought into it but I've lived it, worshiped it and cherished it. It's been my identity for as long as I can remember. It's been my protection and armor. If it hadn't been for my belief in this myth I don't think I would have lived to adulthood. When everything else around me was careening out of control, I was in control. I was control.
That right there is the myth, the little voice inside of my head that tells me "I'm in control". Sometimes I hear it phrased like, "If I died, everything would crumble. I'm the glue that keeps the whole world together." In my lower moments the voice is much more sardonic, enraged even, whispering "I have to do everything for myself! I always have to be the strong one! When is it my turn?" Interesting that this voice always speaks in first person, as if it were me (you may not sense my feigned sarcasm there). And to think I trusted this voice! We've all been cautioned since young children that you can't judge a book by its cover, or don't take candy from strangers, but was I taught that you can't trust the voices in your head? I'm not even talking about the schizophrenic type. With that said, maybe I am talking about the schizophrenic type. These are just the day to day thoughts that come and go, ebb and flow, a steady stream of thoughts each and every moment of each and every day. This voice is all I know. It's me. It's the universe. It's God. It's my best and closest and dearest friend. Why should I ever doubt her?
But now I know. She's a liar.
At first I was just angry. If I'm not the one in control, then who is? Who does God think He is? Who ever asked Him to be in control? Who asked for His help? Doesn't He know that He doesn't exist? That's why I created her. That's why her voice is soothing and safe. She reminds me not to hurt. She helps me forget that hollowness when I realize that God doesn't exist and that He certainly doesn't love. Not me. Not anyone. She knew that if I was in control then I would never have to feel rejected or abandoned or alone ever again. Don't hold out hope for someone to fill that chasm. Why reach out to anyone for anything? Depend on yourself and work hard and you'll make your own happiness. How dare He take that comfort away from me? If He wanted to help me why didn't He just prevent all of my childhood shit form happening in the first place? He lied to me. He tricked me into coming here. He abused my innocence. He took my faith for granted. He fed me to the wolves! Who knocks a bird out of its nest just so he can save it?
The fall from my nest was so hard, so painful and so very real. But perhaps I can say this for the experience, it forced open my wings. I'm just a small, helpless baby bird learning to fly, dazed from my fall, enthralled by my flight, terrified by my freedom.
I know this now, that someone has to die. It's either Him or her. I've trusted her all of my life and I can't say the same for Him. He's always been so aloof, so pious, so exalted to me. Whereas she has been my faithful companion, always ready to bolster me up in hard times. He reminds me of a father, and the very word is treacherous. She reminds me of a friend, the trusty and unbiased opinion.
Does nobody else see my conundrum?
The truth is, I've already made my choice. She died the moment I called her "her". Once I started to question her advice the more I grew to distrust it. She's the most successful mole ever to have been planted. She so deeply infiltrated my identity that to pull her out of me nearly cost my sanity, and my life. I mourn you dear, loyal, though mistaken friend. I put you on the altar as my own Isaac, flesh of my flesh. We walked a long road together you and I, but I can't walk any further with you by my side, with you always whispering in my ear, with you hiding God from me. I've seen Him now and you're too late. I've felt Him now and you're not what you pretend to be. I trust Him now...and I am free.
